Who Needs Toilet Paper

The first time I saw a bidet was about forty-five years ago.   One of my friends, Lyndon, was building a new house, and he took me on an impromptu tour.  He was having great success in his new business, selling student accident insurance to K-12 schools and colleges throughout Michigan and the surrounding states.   His success provided him with the means to build a new house for his wife and three children.  They were moving from Otsego to his new multi-bedroom, multi-bathroom home in an up and coming area of Kalamazoo.

I don’t remember much about the house other than it was larger, and newer, than all of my other friends.  My stand out memory is the master bathroom.  It was huge and it had two toilets.  When I asked, “Lyndon, why are you putting two toilets in your bathroom.  Can’t you and Carmen just share like the rest of the world?”  He responded, “That one’s not a commode, it’s a bidet.”  They both looked like toilets to me.

Lyndon went on to explain, “Carmen, wants one.”  Carmen was his wife and she was originally from Columbia.  They met in college, married, had three children, and now after roughing it for several years, she was getting a bidet.

“So what’s a bidet?”

Lyndon explained its usage.  If your unfamiliar, think of it as a reverse toilet where the water goes up instead of circulating down.

According to Wikipedia, a bidet  is a bowl or receptacle designed to be sat on for the purpose of washing the human genitalia, perineum, inner buttocks, and anus. The modern variety includes a plumbed-in water supply and a drainage opening, and is thus a type of plumbing fixture subject to local hygiene regulations. The bidet is designed to promote personal hygiene and is used after defecation.  In several European countries, a bidet is  required by law to be present in every bathroom containing a toilet bowl.  

 Who knew?

Last year my son, David, added a bidet to one of the toilets in his house.  I’m not sure where he found it.  He’s a fan of Menards, so perhaps he bought it there.  He may have purchased it on line.  Where he got it is not the issue, the fact is he has the skill set to take care of the required plumbing.

He was quite proud of his handiwork so he sent a text with pictures to his mom and me.  A number of weeks later we stopped in Hamilton to visit, and I had the opportunity to personally take a test run.

I hadn’t intended to use the bidet, but I hit the operational control by accident.  Cold water shot up with a surprising force.  My body adjusted to the cold temperature very quickly, however, the water pressure remained disconcerting.  I didn’t know what triggered its operation, so I was unsure how to turn it off.  I didn’t have my reading glasses on so my rush to turn it off resulted in a variety of failed attempts.  I turned and flicked several knobs and switches that altered the flow of water but failed to stop it.  My nether-region was getting cleaner and cleaner with each passing second.  At one point the water pressure increased to a level so intense that I felt like I was filling with water.  Sort of a self imposed colonoscopy/enema.

Standing up was not an option as that would have meant that water would be spraying up out of the toilet, with the potential to flood the room.  Ultimately, I stumbled upon the bidet’s shut off valve and the flow of water stopped just as quickly as it had begun.

I sat for a moment to consider the experience.  After a few seconds, I reached back and touched my rear.  It was wet, but that’s it.  I grabbed a single sheet of toilet paper and dabbed myself dry.  That’s the first, last, and only time that a single sheet has accomplished that task for me.

With the current toilet paper shortage running rampant throughout the land, installing a bidet might be something for all of us to consider.  As a single time user myself, I offer up a couple of things for you to consider.

1. Determine if there may be a way to mix both the hot and cold water for a more acceptable temperature.
2.  Make sure that you have the necessary skills to make the required plumbing adjustments, or seek the counsel of a professional.
3.  Newer models that I’ve seen on-line provide  a “blow dry” option.  I’m not sure if these need to be piped to your furnace as well as your water source, so be sure to fully investigate this before purchasing.
4.  I’ve also identified a  “magic wand” type appliance.  I don’t fully understand its application, and I have failed to locate a YouTube video that would explain how it works. However, at first glance I believe that attaching it to a garden hose may work very well.
5. Should you decide to install a bidet, you may wish to follow my lead and assemble all your single, mis-matched socks for drying purposes.  If I make the move, I plan to simply wash and dry the socks for future use like we did the kids diapers .
6. Finally, if your not convinced, please take a look at this public service announcement featuring several of my younger friends.