In Retrospect

This is a follow-up to last Thursday’s colonoscopy. After one sigmoidoscopy and four full blown colonoscopies in my seventy-four plus years, I’ve learned a lot.   Here’s a list of recommendations for you to consider prior to your next trip down $#!%  your pants lane.

• About a week prior to your procedure make sure the toilet you plan to use is securely attached to the floor.  The slightest wobble will worsen during your purge.  The week will allow you time to contact a plumber or handyman should you need assistance.
• Follow the directions of your doctor to the letter.  You don’t want to prepare twice for this once a decade procedure.  Unfortunately, one of my friends had to double prepare because she hadn’t provided the doctor with a clear colon.
• Make sure you have a full roll of toilet paper draped forward off the roll.
• The prep takes several hours, and the purge is even longer.  Select several movies and or TV shows in advance to help pass the time.  Make sure you know where the “pause” button is located on your remote.  You’ll use it often.
• Read a book if you prefer. However, have a system for picking back up in mid-sentence should that be necessary.
• Once the purge begins, I suggest you sit in a straight back chair.  They’re not as comfortable, but they’re easy to get out of.  Do not, and I can’t emphasize this enough, sit in a recliner.  Time is of the essence when you have the urge to purge.
• Do not leave the house.
• Wear loose fitting pants. Avoid those with buttons, snaps or zippers. Elastic waistbands or Velcro strips are preferred.  Go commando if you trust yourself. Timing is everything.
• Blot – don’t wipe.  That’s all you really need.
• Under no circumstances are you to fart on prep day!  They can’t be trusted!
• Have a plan for pooping and sleeping.  Sleep near the bathroom you plan to use.  Make sure the pathway is clear.  It’s best to remove all throw rugs and fancy doodads.

My colonoscopy went well, and the results were perfect.  I’ve been told that unless something unforeseen develops, I won’t require another procedure.  It seems I’ve inherited good pipes. That’s a good thing.