Just before heading south last October, our condo association held an open house at one of the condo owners’ homes. About eighty people were invited, an RSVP was requested, and after giving it some thought, I accepted the invitation. The party planner said she was happy I was attending. On the surface I took her reply to mean she was happy I was attending even though Ruth could not. I assumed everyone in the association new of Ruth’s accident, since the country club we’re associated with had sent her obituary to the membership.
I arrived at the designated time and was welcomed with a “We’re so happy you made it.” The greeting reinforced my belief that everyone knew of Ruth’s passing.
About an hour after it began, a group of ladies inquired about my wife. “Where’s your wife?” was the question asked. The lady with the question was very proud of herself. She looked like she was offering up “the challenge question of the day” on behalf of the assembled group. I took a deep breath, looked at the floor, gathered myself, stood erect, and told them she’d been killed in a car accident a month earlier. They were all apologetic and offered words of condolence. The asker said, ” I wish I’d never asked.” Me too.
I attended a social gathering in Florida a couple of days ago. A man that I’d met a year or so ago asked where my wife was. After five months my response is easier to say. “She died in September. She had a heart attack while driving, crashed her car, and died.” He offered his condolences and our conversation drifted off to more conventional topics.
Neither the October lady nor last weekend’s man meant any harm. They both caused me to take pause in what would normally be just another day. I wasn’t happy I was asked such a question and wondered privately if I’ve ever asked it myself. It’s a perfectly normal question until you have an answer like mine.
Since becoming a widower, I’ve wondered how people in my shoes share such news. I still wear my wedding ring and haven’t given any serious thought to removing it. When Ruth and I put our rings on, she told me to “never take it off”. I expect there are hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions, of people in the same boat. The decision to seek new companionship is one that each one of us will make at some point. We will or we won’t.I have a poker friend whose wife died a few months prior to Ruth. He’s said that he’d like to go out for lunch or dinner, or perhaps a movie or play, with someone new. “It would be nice to have a new companion”. The challenge is knowing who’s available. Unless you have inside information, you can’t really know. We’ve agreed that availability must supersede such an ask.
When you’re young, you take your chances. Rejection is a part of the process. At almost seventy-six, if there’s a manual on establishing new relationships, I’d like to read it. My poker friend and I are wondering how to begin anew even if we’re not ready to move forward. We’d like to be prepared for when we are. There must be a better way than just guessing.
Nothing is easy—each day little easier & then boom, someone asks about her- it all starts over again 😒
Figured out that when I could go into restaurant or show alone, I was making the “turn”. A day at a time-easier said than done.
Take care & blessings to you, my friend –
Sue
Many single women are just looking for a companion, nothing more.
Asking a woman out is a much easier question than having to answer, “How’s your wife?”
Just ask. If the woman is in a relationship or married, she will/should tell you. No harm done.
In fact the woman would probably be flattered.
Good luck to both of you in your journey.