6 Seconds

My sister, Jackie, gave me a book, which I still haven’t read, written by John Gottman and his wife, Julie Schwartz Gottman.  It was sitting on the counter a couple of weeks ago when my daughter, Elizabeth, came to visit.  She picked it up and said, “Oh, John Gottman. Nice.”

I didn’t know anything about him other than what the book jacket said.  The truth of the matter is I don’t follow many authors other than myself and I’m more of a storyteller than an author.

A day, or so, after she left, I googled John Gottman.  I found that he developed the concept of the 6-second kiss rule.   This is what the folks at google said.

The 6-second kiss rule was coined by John Gottman, a marriage and family therapist, author and researcher who co-founded The Gottman Institute with his wife, clinical psychologist Julie Schwartz Gottman.  They referenced a study of 70,000 people in twenty-four countries conducted by sociologists that determined that small gestures to show love throughout the day have a major impact on a couple’s long-term happiness and success.

Gottman says, “It all comes down to activities that boost oxytocin in the brain”. Kissing for at least 6 seconds, or hugging for 20 seconds, both trigger the release of oxytocin, which helps couples bond and feel trusting of each other.  

I thought about that a bit and reflected on my own habits.

When I was a young man, there were a lot of six second kisses. They started when I was in high school and continued through my marriage.  There weren’t a lot of recipients, just a lot of kisses. As Ruth and my years unfolded, six second kisses became a rarity.  We did have our fair share of twenty-second hugs.

The last time I remember exchanging a six second kiss with Ruth was the summer before she died.  We were at the Grand Rapids airport, and she was on her way to visit our California kids.  I remember thinking, “This is quite a lip lock.”

The internet has several references to the 6-second rule.  I just never looked before.  The Gottman Institute’s website offers this observation.

The more you practice an elongated kiss, it can also become a habit. A six second kiss is one of the least time-consuming ways to improve things with your partner. In fact, if you have two kisses per day the total time per week amounts to less than 90 seconds.

My six second kisses are in my rear-view mirror. I still get the occasional twenty second hug from my kids and grandkids. If such kisses and hugs are still an option for you, consider this a public service announcement. You, and your partner, may benefit from these words.  If you’re not convinced, pucker up and hold your pucker as you read this next line.

One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Three Mississippi. Four Mississippi. Five Mississippi. Six Mississippi.

That’s six seconds.