A tailor is preparing to eat some jam, but when flies settle on it, he kills seven of them with one blow of his hand. He makes a belt describing the deed, reading “Seven at One Blow”. Inspired, he sets out into the world to seek his fortune. The tailor meets a giant who assumes that “Seven at One Blow” refers to seven men. The giant challenges the tailor. When the giant squeezes water from a boulder, the tailor squeezes milk from cheese. The giant throws a rock far into the air, and it eventually lands. The tailor counters the feat by tossing a bird that flies away into the sky; the giant believes the small bird is a “rock” which is thrown so far that it never lands.
Like the giant and the tailor, some things in life are not what they appear to be. Friendships for example. When do male and female friends become more than friends. I’d contend that a romantic relationship sets the bar.
When Ruth and I started dating, we had already become friends. We talked about dating others and the fun we were having in the process. She shared details of her courtships and I shared details of mine. We were friends for several months before we decided to raise the stakes.
Google says dating is a “stage of romantic relationships in which two individuals engage in activity together, most often with the intention of evaluating each other’s suitably as a partner in a future intimate relationship.” While that may be what the internet says, that’s not my intention.
Right now, I’m trying to establish friendships with single people. Both male and female. All of the friends that Ruth and I hung out with were married with two exceptions: her sister, Kathy, and our friend, Diane. None of my Florida male friends are single. I have begun to establish friendships with a few females, but nothing romantic. I’m not looking for romance. That may come with time, just as Ruth and my relationship developed over time. I am looking for someone to hang out with.
I’ve recently asked several people, both males and females, what constitutes a date. I asked the question because I’ve met a few females who would like to be friends, but don’t wish to date. So, what triggers a date?
I’ve discovered that males and females look at it differently. When I add in the opinions of those currently married vs those who are single, the results are a bit different. Everyone agrees that if I ask a female out to dinner, and pay for it, that’s a date. On the other hand, if I ask a female if she’d like to go golfing, I get mixed reactions. Golfing in The Villages on its executive courses is free to its residents. No money is exchanged. Guys think that’s not a date. The dozen single women I’ve asked say “yes” and a similar number of married women say “no”. If I was golfing with a group of guys, no one would consider it a date.
If I have a group of friends over to play cards, and everyone is married except my playing partner, single women and men say “no” it’s not a date, but almost all married women say “yes”. Married women consider such a gathering more intimate. Single women and men think It’s just a group of people gathering for a bit of social interaction.
Before we married, Ruth and I frequently stopped for drinks on payday Fridays with our teaching friends. No one thought it was a date, even If I bought her a drink. I find my current situation to be a conundrum.
I’ve been to the town squares in recent weeks with groups of female friends. Sometimes we met and sometimes I picked them up in my car as they had limited transportation options. The smallest group of females was three and the largest was seven. I was the only guy. I don’t think anyone, including the women I picked up in the car, thought we were on a date. We were just hanging out, having a good time.
During one outing, one of the ladies bought me a beer. I had driven so she reciprocated by paying for my drink. The last time we went, one lady hugged me when I dropped her off, and a second hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. I thought both farewells were simple “thank yous”. Nothing more.
I accept the notion that if a friendship leads to romance, you’re definitely dating, because that’s what it appears to be. In the end we might both enjoy the added attention. I’m willing to take that risk.
So, what do you think? Is it possible for a guy to go out with a female friend and just be friends?
absolutely!
Yes, Bob you can go out with a lady and just be friends. But it may also be the start of something much more. You just have to enjoy yourself and quit over thinking it. Life is to be lived and enjoyed.
So glad you wrote this Bob! Karen Rezny here, Ed Rockwell’s daughter. I totally agree that friendship/dating as we age is a real condundrum. While I am married, I have girlfriends who aren’t married and they pose the same questions you do…….they want to have company to go to movies, dinner, etc. but don’t want to “date”. I guess the best approach is to just be upfront with whoever and let them know you do not consider this a “date” but a “friendship” time……..I always think going straight at something is better than not knowing what you are getting into!
On the other hand, a friend who is in a long-term relationship with her boyfriend, bought a house right next to his! In no way did she want to move in with him as that certainly implies something she didn’t want/need in her life. They do many things together happily while both living independent lives…….sounds like the perfect mix to me! Not sure about living next door to one another though!!!
Hey Bob, I would think in groups not a date, if you are one on one, I would consider it a date, but sometimes the other person can be misleading, I have though it was a date, when it wasn’t! Needs to be clarified, when the date or hangout is set up! Women and men think totally different!