Conversations

After Ruth died I didn’t have anyone to hold a conversation with.  I was alone. My three kids checked in on me to make sure I was OK.  My friends and sisters did too, but checking in is different than having a meaningful conversation.

If you’re engaged in a relationship, it’s normal to discuss the news of the day. Once you become more deeply involved, you start making plans together. You start off with which movie to watch, or plans for dinner, and work your way up. The more involved you become, the more  complex and long term the plans become.

Ruth and I discussed living arrangements, the number of children we hoped to have, how to spend our leisure time, and once the kids arrived, how to make sure they were safe and happy.  We talked about politics and religion and found ourselves agreeing more than we disagreed.  She was more eager to share her thoughts with others while I kept mine close to the vest.  She was an extrovert and I’m an introvert, so that all made sense.

After the kids were on their own, we always had two trips lined up. One was scheduled for the next month or two and the second was in the planning stages. Something was always brewing.

The night she died, I was lining up flights to see our California kids a month down the road. We planned to head there after a color tour of Michigan during the first couple of weeks of October. We already had a February cruise scheduled and were making plans to cruise the British Isles in July. That all came to a screeching halt.

Once she was gone, there wasn’t anyone to talk with. No one to make plans with or discuss the news of the day. It was a pretty lonely world. Alone was not something I enjoyed but I had no say in the matter. It was thrust upon me.

I have a significant other now. Barbara and I have engaged in hundreds of meaningful conversations. That was my opening line eleven months ago.  “I’d like to have a conversation with you, so I can get to know you.”

She was initially reluctant but has opened up. We’re experienced planners and enjoy having someone to plan with.  There’s nothing big in the hopper, but having someone to listen to your thoughts is a huge help.

Another point of view is essential. Before I started exchanging ideas with Barbara, I found that I agreed with myself every day.  My fallback was doing everything how I used to do it only this time I was doing whatever it was alone. Alone is very different. I prefer having a partner and she’s become that.

A simple thing like rearranging a guest room worked better with a second set of eyes. Doctor appointments sounded more hopeful with a second set of ears. And dinner isn’t lonely when she’s sitting across the table.

Each encounter includes a conversation and that’s what I value most. I sometimes took them for granted when I had them before, and I live with that regret everyday. I’m not doing that again.

My advice to you is simply this: care for the people in your life.  Talk things through, explore new opportunities, own your mistakes and know that it’s ok to agree to disagree. Most importantly, keep those you love in your heart and the conversation going for as long as you can.