Almost thirty years ago I developed The Marriage Rules for David, Elizabeth and Michael. The boys had brought home their current girlfriends during the college Christmas break. Michael was a freshman at Michigan State and David was a junior at Spring Arbor.
I wrote the following blog about the development of the marriage rules and posted it in March of 2018.
All three of our kids have always been social beings. David and Michael had girlfriends and Elizabeth had boyfriends. I was comfortable with that arrangement but knew that alternative choices were possible. I liked all the girls the boys dated. Elizabeth choices were scrutinized more closely. I knew that when they were all out of the house, off to college, and on their own, the next guy or gal could be “the one”. Since I was a boy at one time, I understood the intentions of boys. I wasn’t comfortable with boys having intentions regarding my daughter.
The first Christmas break after all three kids were in college, David and Michael each brought a girl to the house. I liked them. I had known David’s friend for some time; however, this was my first meeting with Michael’s new girl. Both girls had “the look”. I had seen “the look” in my youth. While I recognized “the look” on these two young ladies, I feared that both of my sons were oblivious to what was happening. After all they were still just boys at heart. I was more seasoned. It appeared to me that each of the girls might be focused on marriage and these two boys could be sitting ducks.
I sprang into action with an attempt to slow things down. I started by talking about how proud I was of all of my kids. I never had to bail anyone out of jail, as far as I knew none of them were parents, and I believed that everyone was drug free. And then I asked if I had ever told them the marriage rules. I knew the answer before I asked the question. They couldn’t have known the rules as I was making them up on the spot to slow the girls down and discourage thoughts of immediate nuptials.
Before you marry, you must follow these rules.
One – You must complete your degree.
My rational for this was simple. Earning a degree before you get married is a lot easier. They had started on a path and I wanted them to complete the journey. You shouldn’t have to worry about providing for a wife, and perhaps children, while you are engaged in your studies. Ruth and I were paying most of their college expenses, but if you’re on your own with a wife, you are going to be on your own with your college education. Complete independence comes with additional responsibilities.
Two – You must be twenty-four years old.
I chose the number 24 for a couple of reasons. I knew that if they completed their educations as planned, the age requirement would provide them with some additional alone (prior to marriage) time. Secondly, Ruth and I were 24 when we married so I wasn’t making a rule that I hadn’t followed.
Three – You must work in your chosen profession for fifteen months.
Getting started on a career path is difficult. While you may have the greatest intentions, sometimes things don’t work out. Fifteen months should be ample time to 1) determine if you’ve made a good choice and 2) start off on another path if things don’t work out. You don’t want to have a family without having a source of income.
Four – Your spouse must be employable.
It’s not important that your spouse have a degree, but if the two of you decide that each of you is going to work, you each need a set of skills that will allow that to happen. If your spouse does earn a degree, she should consider following rule number three as well.
Five – You must be nice to each other.
Being in love and being nice can be two different things. You can love someone but sometimes put your needs and desires above the one you love, so it’s important to avoid that pitfall by being nice to each other.
The marriage rules were developed in one, quick, spur of the moment, conversation. They were created as food for thought. I knew that whether they were actually followed, or not, was to be determined. Life happens. That night I was just having fun thinking about what a good idea might be. I also knew that Ruth and I had followed rules 1-4 without a hitch. Rule five, perhaps the most important rule, has had its ups and downs but many more ups than downs.
In the end, all three children followed the rules. I believe that rule following was more accidental than intentional. Rule #5 will always be a work in progress for everyone. David and Michael didn’t marry either of the girls with “the look”, but they did marry, and they chose wisely.
Of the two boys, David took the rules to heart. Ruth and I saw his college friends on a regular basis. Every once in a while, he would ask me to recite the rules for one of his friends. I’m not sure if he was asking me to provide a bit of entertainment for the guys, or if he recognized “the look” on one of this friend’s girlfriend’s face and was helping a buddy out.
I had Thanksgiving dinner last Thursday with David, his family and a few other guests. Following dinner I spoke with Eva, one of her friends, and a couple of others about kissing. I don’t know how the subject came up, but everyone joined in. It was a lively discussion about the history of each of our first kisses.
Eva had a boyfriend a couple of years ago. I called him Big D. He was hers. Her friend confessed to a couple of high school kisses. If I remember correctly, her mom, Lindsay’s was in high school too. It may have been junior high. Mine was in fifth grade when I played spin the bottle at Diane P’s birthday party. I was, perhaps, an over achiever. I was at the very least an opportunist.
The next day, while watching the snow fall, I realized that Brady and Eva are entering the marriage zone. Eva’s eighteen and Brady’s twenty. While I believe they’re still years away, perhaps a decade or more, I wondered silently if the marriage rules hold true after almost thirty years.
Lots has changed. While it’s true that Ruth, our three kids and I followed the rules, are they still good? They focused on age, education, employability and caring for one another. I think the big thing I didn’t address is compatibility. Do the two partners want the same things out of life? Is where you live important or are you just happy being together? Do you want a certain level of income? Are you both willing to contribute? And probably the biggest one, do you want to have children? Are you going to discuss that ahead of time or just let things play out?
Since AI is a big deal now, I thought I’d ask the cyber world to chime in on the concept. This is what I found.
TBC
While “the RULES” Are logical , sensible, and spot on! Considering you were shooting from the hip.
As a young irrational person in love ( lust) , yes I still remember, I dont think I could have followed in your obviously respectful and obedient children’s foot steps.
It speaks volumes to your parenting skills.