You Already Have a No

I went out to dinner with David’s family during their visit over the Christmas holiday.  There was an attractive hostess working that night. She and Lindsay struck up a conversation about a “cute outfit” she was wearing. Lindsay wanted to know where she got it.  The hostess brought her laptop over to the table and they looked it up together.  I’ve never seen anything like it.

Don’t misunderstand, I’ve seen attractive hostesses before, in fact my granddaughter Eva is one, but laptops at dinner tables pointing out online shopping opportunities seemed rare. Brady watched his mom chat up the hostess and I watched Brady take in the scene.  After she left, I commented on Brady’s obvious interest in the young lady.  She was indeed very attractive.

Our banter extended throughout dinner and during the trip home.  We speculated that she might be older than Brady and wondered if she already has a boyfriend or may be married.  As we talked, I reminded him of the age computing formula that I learned regarding the appropriate age for dating. It’s a simple computation.

You take half your age and add seventeen.  For me, half of seventy-eight is thirty-nine.  When I add seventeen, the low end of my dating range is fifty-six.  That seems young but I’m not in a position to question the online dating experts.  They must have data to support their assertion.

For Brady, half of twenty is ten.  When you add seventeen, the top end for him is twenty-seven, unless some cougar takes a liking to him. I’ve been told that cougars establish their own guidelines.  I think the hostess may be as old as twenty-three or twenty-four.  He’ll be twenty-one in June so things could work out.

Our conversation reminded me of some advice I’d written for Brady and Young Jackson James before he was born.  That was back when we nicknamed him Magnus Strongbeard.

When I first started to date, I was often afraid to ask a girl out.  I feared being turned down.  Getting a negative reaction was a threat to my ego.  That potential caused me to pass on several opportunities.  I knew it wouldn’t be the end of the world, but I often took a pass rather than take a chance at being rejected. I remember one call in particular.  I thought a girl down the street was cute, perhaps too cute for me.  Instead of asking her out, I called her younger sister.  She was cute too, but not too cute.  I thought she’d probably say “yes” to a guy two years older.

The request was simple and straight forward, but I fretted for days, and when the asking day came, I sweat bullets before dialing the number.  Luckily, she picked up after the second ring. (This was back in the day of rotary telephones.)  Her mom could have answered, her dad would have been worse, or her older, cuter sister, with whom I knew I had no chance, could have answered, but Nancy did.  After a brief introduction, I got right to the point.  “I’m going to the basketball game on Friday night and wondered if you would like to go with me.”

I know, not very creative, but how creative can a guy sweating bullets be?  My greatest fear hit me square in the face when she said, “no”.  How stupid could I be?  Not even the second cutest girl in the family wanted to go out with me.  What a dumbass! 

We exchanged a couple of brief words before saying “good-bye”, and then I crept back up the stairs to my room, thanking God with each step that I hadn’t told my parents of my plan.  At least I wouldn’t have to admit my failure to them.  In fact, I hadn’t told anyone, so the only disappointed failure was me.  I could keep the secret to myself unless she decided to tell her friends of my call and her ultimate refusal.  How humiliating would that be!  A freshman turning down a junior! Holy crap!

About the time I closed my bedroom door, the telephone rang.  My mom answered.  She called out, “Rob, it’s for you!”  As she handed me the phone, she covered the mouthpiece and whispered, “It’s a girl.”

It was Nancy.  She explained she had never been asked out on a date, and didn’t think her parents would let her go, so she said, “no”.  And then she said, “When I told my mom that you asked me to go to the game, she talked to my dad.  They both think you’re very nice and said it would be fine.  So, if you still want to take me, I can go.”

What I thought was a failure turned out to be a success.  No wasn’t really no.  It was more like, I don’t think my dad will let me go out on my first date with an older guy, so I’ll say no.

Brady and Mangus, take it from me, asking a girl out is all about risk and reward.  Take the risk.  Take a deep breath and make the call.  The worst that can happen is getting a “no”.  The thing is, you’ll never get a “yes” unless you ask.  Go for it.  In fact, don’t just settle.  Ask the cuter one.

The bottom-line is I told Brady he should go for it, letting him know he’s welcome to come down to Florida anytime and stay with me. When he started college a couple of years ago, I joked about us setting up a bachelor pad in Michigan.  The same could happen here. I’ve got plenty of space, and he could even have his own wing.

Since giving that unsolicited advice in November 2020, I’ve had chances to follow it myself. Asking a girl out is still all about risk and reward. The one thing I’d change from my original encouragement is this: don’t waste too much time wondering. If you don’t ask, you already have a no.