I’ve lived long enough to hear several claims about men and women, but few have hung around like the idea that women talk more. You’ve probably heard numbers like these tossed around: “Women use 20,000 words a day and men only use 7,000.” People repeat it with confidence. I believed it too until I started doing a bit of research after a class discussion the other day.
We were talking about some of the major differences between men and women. I said based on what I’ve observed, women tend to travel in groups because they’re more social than men. They make a day of going out to breakfast or lunch and then shopping. Sometimes shopping on both sides of the meal. And while they’re traveling in a pack, there’s a lot of conversation. They’re more social. More than once, Ruth came home from such a trip and said, “Don’t talk to me. I’ve got to rest my ears.”
Guys on the other hand, engage in an activity. They might go golfing, fishing, bowling, or shoot some pool, but the activity is the tie that binds, not the conversation. Yes, they talk but not like the ladies. At least that’s been my experience, and it fits the stereotype that I’ve grown with over the years. Women go shopping and come back with an assortment of doodads and whatnots. Guys go buy a red shirt. Period.
Still, the myth has staying power. Maybe because it fits the stories we tell about ourselves. Maybe because it gives us something to tease each other about. Or maybe because it’s easier to believe a stereotype than to look at the truth of how we actually communicate. The truth, as it turns out, is far more interesting.
When I consulted with my AI assistant, I found that a few years back, researchers strapped little recorders onto people: men, women, teenagers, retirees, folks from different countries, and simply counted the words they used in a day. I was surprised by the results.
Most of us, regardless of gender, use around sixteen thousand words a day. Some talk more, some talk less, but the averages are pretty close. The biggest difference shows up in midlife, when women tend to speak a few thousand more words than men. Not because of biology, but because of life roles. Women tend to do the caregiving and coordinating of family life. They use a lot of words to hold us together.
The part that really surprised me was the person who spoke the most words in the entire study, 124,134 words per day, was a man. And the person who spoke the fewest, 62 per day, was also a man. It also showed that everyone uses 3,000 fewer words per day than we did twenty years ago because of screen time and digital communication. Who’d a thunk.
The research shows that communication isn’t a gender trait. It’s a human one. It’s shaped by personality, upbringing, culture, and the situations we find ourselves in. Some people speak to think. Others think before they speak. Some talk to connect, others to clarify. Some just talk to fill the silence.
A couple of years after I retired, I ran into a guy who’d been a student of mine when I was superintendent. His dad was on the board that hired me. He had kids of his own in school, and I asked him how things were going.
“My dad says you held things close to your vest. You didn’t talk until you had something to say. The new guy talks all the time but doesn’t say much.” I took that as a compliment.
Women tend to use language to build connection. Men tend to use it to solve problems. Neither is better. Both are needed. And both can drive the other crazy if we forget what’s underneath.
I remember a conversation years ago with a friend who was frustrated with her husband. She said, “He never talks. I ask him how his day was, and he says ‘fine.’ That’s it.” Later, I talked to the husband. He shrugged and said, “I told her it was fine. What else does she want?” Two people, same house, same marriage, completely different expectations of what a simple question means. That’s the real issue. It’s not the number of words, but the purpose behind them. She wanted more. He thought he was done.
Maybe that’s the meaning of it all. We’re not divided by word counts. We’re divided by assumptions. By the stories we tell about what communication should look like and the belief that our way is the best way. The other person’s way is the confusing one. It doesn’t matter if were male or female.
When we slow down and listen not just to the words but to the intention behind them, we start to see each other more clearly. We start to understand that communication isn’t about quantity. It’s about connection. It’s about the courage to speak and the willingness to listen. It’s about meeting each other halfway, even when our styles don’t match.
Once you accept that, the old myth about who talks more doesn’t really matter. It reminds us that every conversation is a chance to bridge the gap between us. It’s not about word count. It’s about our intention.
There have been several times when I would play golf with someone and my wife would ask about this person’s grandchildren or wife or someone else in his family. I would always have to respond, “I don’t know” or “I didn’t know he had grandchildren.” I could tell her what I shot on the fifth hole, or how many putts I took.