What’s the most acceptable way to address men and women these days? At seventy-nine I’ve found it a bit of a challenge. In everyday conversation I talk about playing golf or poker with the boys. I never say men. The same was true for Ruth. She was going to play cards or going shopping with the girls. The alternative for both of us was identifying our playing partners by name. For me it was Jim, Dave, Craig, and Bruce. For Ruth it was Diane, Kathy, Julie or Jo. You get my drift.
How to address males and females is one of those questions that seems simple until you start paying attention to how people actually speak. For most of my life, I’ve referred to adult males as “boys” and adult females as “girls.” Not because I was trying to diminish anyone, but because that’s the language I grew up with. I was in education for over sixty years. I started as a student and held a series of occupations – teacher, elementary school principal; K-12 school superintendent, and finally school consultant, that worked with “boys” and “girls”.
The guys I know still talk about “the boys” getting together for golf or cards. Likewise, many women still embrace the idea of having lunch with “the girls” or enjoying a “girls'” weekend getaway.
Somewhere along the way that language has shifted. Some people hear “girl” and immediately think of youth or immaturity. Others hear it as warmth, familiarity, and friendship. The same word can feel endearing to one person and dismissive to another. The conundrum for me is that intent and impact are not always the same thing. I mean no disrespect with the words I choose. Trust me, if I did, you’d know. But it is a reminder that sometimes the receiver doesn’t understand the intent of the sender.
I refer to the males and females in our Singles New Beginnings class as “boys” and “girls” all the time, but some don’t like it. The guys never complain, but I think some women find it disrespectful. Some have suggested “men” and “women” and others prefer “ladies” and “gentlemen”. That seems a bit formal to me, while my reference to “boys” and “girls” may seem elementary.
So, I’ve come to a simple conclusion. In casual conversation, I’ll probably still talk about “the boys” and “the girls” now and then because that’s part of who I am and how I think without thinking about how it’s viewed by others. But when respect, professionalism, or uncertainty are involved, “men” and “women” are the safer choice. After all, words are less about what I mean to say and more about what the other person hears. While I offer my words playfully they’re not always taken that way.
Perhaps that’s the real lesson. Language isn’t just a reflection of who we are; it’s also a reflection of who we’re speaking to. How I offer my words and how you accept them can be two different things.
At seventy-nine, I probably should know better. When I hit eighty, maybe they’ll write my word choice off as a form of senility. I’ll let you know how it all turns out.